Meh...

I thought I'd avoided the "first day back at work blues" really well...

I'd prepared as much as I could (and for one particular class, their lessons are now planned-out until the edge of doom...) I thought positive thoughts, I adopted a wryly amused persona, put my head down and charged through the day. I chatted amiably with colleagues - even gave some advice about a shared class. Normal.

I survived.

Then I got home.

By about 8:30 I was agitated and distracted. By 10:30 I was in a foetal position on the bed, snivelling. By half past midnight I was in full "lock me in a cellar and feed me with pins" mode, feeling bleak, useless, overwhelmed...

Mrs Gripes did and said all the right things (bless) - we even had a one o' clock in the morning camomile tea-party- and I did eventually get to sleep, although the dreams I had were far from restful, filled as they were with images of my incompetence and panic, peppered with memories of all my failures, disappointments and vacillations and populated with the sneering, accusing faces of everyone who has ever told me I'm worthless, everyone who's ever trodden on me, made me feel like shit...

This morning, as the sun rises and spreads its thin, cold light through the clouds, I am feeling pretty hopeless. I know I will get through the days/weeks/months (- & I've got a lot of work to get through, what with one thing and another) - and I'll suppress the feeling pathetic, stupid and feeble as much as I can- but right now, getting dressed, slapping on a fake smile and facing a class is about the last thing I want to do.

So much for avoiding the "back to work" blues...

4 comments:

c'lam said...

feeling any better?

Sassie Priest said...

Poor lovey.

Sassie xx

The Gripes of Wrath said...

If I'm honest c'lam, no, not much (although I burst into tears as soon as I got through my front door this time, rather than wait until I went to bed...so at least I wasn't awake and bleakly snotty into the early hours.)

I will be enormously pleased when January is over...

straighttalker05 said...

January is always an exceedingly poo month.

I came home from school three periods before I was supposed to because I don't know if I can handle sitting listening to all the crap over lunch.

The work isn't the problem, it's just the people.

Feel better soon - nearly 1/2 way through now!