Hiding in plain view again

(No, not written on June 10th 2005.. I'm getting good at this, eh?)

Epiphanies. Some people can go through their entire lives epiphany-free: me, I'm having wake-up calls every five minutes. Am I blessed or blinkered? I really don't know...

I know that, right now, I am reflective. Anguished, even (but that sounds darkly troubled - I don't feel "dark" I feel like a spot of oil on water, iridescent, spreading outward, growing...) I want things. I want. I pant and lust and groan, I want so much... So far, so familiar, I suppose: it is the human experience to want.

But when asked what do I need, I can't answer. I thought I needed the things I have/had, but maybe I don't. Maybe they are just trappings, maybe I am simpler than I thought. Maybe I am more complex, I'm not sure. Do I need the things I want? Do I want the things I need? The only want and need I know I have is not to hurt others, yet action and inaction can sometimes have the same effect. Can I change? Can I change?

Right now, I can't balance my needs and wants. They rely too much on others. Perhaps what I should both want and need is to be self-contained; to be my own zen garden, still and calm (instead, I have this raging, rushing force inside me! I feel utterly alive and chaotic! I'm terrified and thrilled, I lurch from moment to moment open-eyed, wanting to gaze, wanting to soak up every moment...)

I love. Should I be happy with just that?