Bodge & Quarrel

Mrs Gripes and I have decided to overhaul the decor at Gripes Mansion. (In saying this, I really mean, "I've been given my painting orders and told to get on with it, instead of stumbling around the internet acquiring strange facts and virtual acquaintances as is my preference...)

The air is heavy with the odour of paint and there would appear to be a tinned reservoir of emulsion in the hall. I have charged my sander and groomed my brushes, sorted out my screwdrivers by type, length and whether-or-not-it-is-buggered and stuck a pencil behind my ear for no apparent reason except to look jaunty.

I would have to confess:I don't actually hate DIY (But I put if off for as long as possible...)

I come from a family of DIY bodgers - one of my happiest memories is of my father electrocuting himself by drilling through a cable and shooting across the room (a close second would be when he drilled through a water pipe...) - so I have good reason to procrastinate. Last night, while Mrs Gripes snored lightly, I buried my head in a vast DIY manual in vain hope of learning something useful. I now know that there is such as thing as a "Surrey Flange" - but I haven't got a clue what it does, or why I should need one - and so as you can tell, my mission failed, somwhat.

Better get back to the step ladder. But if anyone should actually know what a Surrey Flange is/does, please let me know.