Being and doing

Being

The details are mine to know and feel. Respect that.
I'm not self-editing, I'm not even preserving the feelings of anyone involved - I'm thinking, processing and concluding.

So, I'm no longer someone's partner (that sounds too passive, like it "just happened" - it didn't: I jumped two-footed, like I always do; I eventually, tortuously made a choice and jumped). I am proud that I was, for a while. I am proud of her - I hope she is proud of herself.

I am, for the first time in a long time, entirely free to do whatever I choose.
Choice is a frightening concept - people choose to do things that harm them, people choose to do things that help and heal them: what choice will I make? Do I know the difference?

Doing

Practically, I need a place to stay, to be myself (that self that has slipped out from time to time, however hard I've tried to suppress it) and to be by myself. Various people have suggested I need to be with others, but how do I re-learn me if I am surrounded by tempting easy influences? I don't want to take the easy route. There is no easy route.

I need to get my ambition back, to focus it and channel it in a way that fulfils me.

Friday I was an energyless messy splatter of raw emotions: today I can feel my spine begin to grow, a new form beginning to take shape. I'm not scared, though: I probably should be, but I'm not. My heart is still beating, my lungs breathe, my mind is running. I am maybe not entire yet, but I am piecing myself back together moment by moment.

I am doing this for myself. For the very first time I am doing something entirely for myself. I don't care if you think me selfish - let me be.

2 comments:

c'lam said...

selfish is underrated, sometimes it's the only way to be able to find yourself.

Anonymous said...

Hey, the first step is the hardest, but just keep walking you will find the right path. Take it slowly and be kind to yourself ....