Sleeping with me...

Last night, in my snot-filled insomniac way, I was thinking about all the women I have ever slept with. Not just the (poor) women with whom I have pawed, nibbled and frotted (although I was thinking about that too... *sigh* So few, so very few…comparatively) but those with whom I have simply shared a bed while making zzzzeds... Most of them were very accommodating; a few kicked me out of bed within and hour. And rightly so.

I have come to the terrible conclusion: I am a horrible person to sleep with.

Firstly, I can’t stand being cramped: I cling to the side of the bed like a mountaineer clings to the side of a cliff if I feel my space is being invaded. This is fine, but if you sleep with a cuddler –and most people I have shared sheets with have been cuddling types- it seems a little stand-offish to say the least. Should you invade my space still further and make me risk tumbling to the floor, my response is an assertive shove, some profound whining and if all else fails, to get up moaning, waking my sleeping partner and thus ensuring grumpiness all round...

Secondly, I am hot. Not in a "phwaor, you are irresistible" sort of way (*listens for voices of demurral and is deafened by the silence*) but in a "-Are you ill? Do you have a fever? Jesus, you’re on fire you sweaty bastard!" sort of way. This means that I quite often kick off the bedcovers (ensuring that sleeping partner gets a quick draught to the kidneys at best, a light bruise at worst) huff and puff, noisily... and worse: feel tacky and damp with sweat. After a particularly burny spell, I have been known to have to change the sheets several mornings in a row, they’ve been that damp... This is an all year round phenomenon, worsened when I am ill or drunk, noontheless... Alas.

I also have an ability to sleep with my eyes open, a sleep-talking/shouting habit and very vivid dreams/nightmares that often wake me up - the knock-on effect of which is to waken the neighbourhood… All this on top of the persistent bouts and battles with insomnia. An awake me is a mobile me and that just isn’t easy to sleep next to

Mrs Gripes grinds her teeth, snores and has devil claw toenails. Otherwise, she’s fine... It’s a miracle we even share a house, let alone a bed...

That aside, today will probably be the last blogging effort from me for a while. Apparently, it’s Christmas. Who knew?

(Christmassy blog-effort to follow. Oh you lucky people...)