Betrayed by a loved one....


Custard Creams can kill: Official • The Register

Killer biscuits? KILLER biscuits? The world is a terrifying place, I tell you - but biscuits becoming homicidal? I don't like it one little bit...

However, reading further I find that there may be grounds for exonerating the humble biscuit, for indeed it would appear that it isn't the biscuit's fault (what with it being inanimate and totally lacking in volition) No, it is the fault of stupid people....

...seven per cent of Britons have dropped a biscuit tin on their foot, three per cent have fallen off a chair reaching for vital nourishment, and an equal percentage have poked themselves in the eye with a biscuit.

Seven per cent admitted to have been bitten while feeding a tasty biscuit morsel to a pet or “other wild animal”. The most extreme example of biscuit-related mishap, however, was the case of the man who got stuck in wet concrete after wading in to retrieve a stray biccy.

Falling off a chair or poking oneself in the eye? Wading into concrete? These people do not deserve to eat biscuits. They malign the good name of biscuits. They make me fearful of the day when we will see official safety instructions and health warnings printed on the wrappers of biscuits. What other injuries can people sustain eating foodstuffs? Impaled by a baguette? Blinded by a prune? Garotted by a liquorice shoelace? I am fearful for the future of humanity, truly.

(I think I may have to have a cup of tea and ginger nut, I'm so upset. I'll eat it carefully, though, don't worry...)

7 comments:

Random Reflections said...

How much damage can a biscuit really do by falling on your foot?? Apart from the psychological shock from having waste a biscuit...

The Gripes of Wrath said...

Biscuit tin RR, biscuit tin...
A far weightier proposition.

Random Reflections said...

Ah... I see... yes that would be more painful and could lead to more breakages than just your foot.

#Debi said...

I can see it now...

WARNING: If your biscuit should fall into concrete, LEAVE IT THERE. It is no longer edible.

Let's Kill Saturday Night said...

If biscuits caused my death it would be worth it.

The Gripes of Wrath said...

But what if it were death by a lesser biscuit? (A "Malted Milk" or a "Nice" for example...) Oh, the pity of it!... A bit like getting run over by a crappy car: a posh car would at least be a dignified way to end a life, but under the wheels of a 20 year old Wartburg? The nasty stain wouldn't just be my liver oozing into the tarmac, it would be shame...

Let's Kill Saturday Night said...

I'm with you on the shame of the malted milk but I disagree about the Nice biscuit. I can go through a whole pack of those in one sitting. Besides, they are too Nice to kill anyone - see what I did there ? I'll get my coat. Taxi !