The rain it raineth every day


When I am at work, on a clear day you can see Arthur's Seat, Castle Rock, The Braids and beyond. Today you can see... the housing estate over the road - and that's about it. It hasn't really rained in Edinburgh for a while, but now that it's started it doesn't seem to want to stop.

Fag breaks are the only time I get to see daylight - the office this side of town has tiny greyed out windows at the top of the walls - no view, so nothing to distract me from working. Except everything distracts me from working at the moment. Particularly seeing as we have no admin cover - I'm rocketing from my seat to answer the phone far too frequently for my liking, losing my train of thought entirely and derailing my day in the process. Thankfully, I'm alone in the office at the moment so I don't have to listen to the godawful pop-spewings of the radio. I really, really hate Mika. No, really.

Theo is worried about me. I'm not sleeping well, I seem gloomy and down and I've been more than usually tearful (I have to add the caveat "more than usually" because, to be fair, I do cry like a leaky tap even when in buoyant spirits). In part I put this down to "winding down" into the relative calm after what I can only describe as yet another stressful year (am I asking for extra stress all the time, I wonder? The flat-buying was a far from straightforward process, what with fucktard lawyers and missing paperwork, keys, commonsense and all - even leaving the rented place has been a sack of woes, as for my health! Oh, don't even get me started on doctors....) and in part I also put it down fairly and squarely to work.

Anyone who works for a not-for-profit project knows about the vagaries of funding cycles. Mine is a particularly vicious cycle in that it ends after one year. I've been told that even if funding isn't renewed, there will likely still be a job for me - I do have a permanent contract after all - but that redundancies can never be ruled out. How very reassuring...A big mortgage and no real job security. Lovely. I take some comfort in the fact that I am performing better (and more consistently) than other members of the team, so when it comes to redundancy I might not be head of the queue - but even that makes me feel uneasy: competing within a team just isn't healthy. I've decided a tea-making/biccie buying/sucking up strategy might need to be deployed - but my sarcastic nature doesn't do it very convincingly...

In addition, I have a manager who doesn't manage much - neither her team nor her own life. Since being back from "long term sick leave" she's been off ill nine times in as many weeks. This creates havoc in the workplace as well as an uneasy atmosphere... No-one knows what LooneyBoss will want from us next - or even if she'll be around. She seems to have taken a particular dislike to me - a "support and supervision" session a couple of weeks ago was more an "undermine and derision" opportunity. I came out of it feeling demoralised and entirely misunderstood - and the demoralised part seems to have stuck. Theo is encouraging me to look for a new job - the trouble is, I actually like the work I do, I just don't seem to fit into the working culture, so I'm very torn. (I am, of course, looking for a new job just in case - but I hate being seen as a quitter and leaving too soon would make me feel as though I had unfinished business. It's a catch 22 - stay and be demoralized or leave and feel like an arse... Hmmm)

Glowering alongside it all, the final dissolution stuff will be dropping through my letterbox - as soon as the Royal Mail catch up with the backlog of mail, that is - and even though it is ultimately a positive thing, I still can't shake away the crumbs of pain left from the mess of it all. I was trying to explain to Theo the other night that although I was the one to leave ExWife, I really don't wish her anything but good stuff for the future: we didn't work out, it ended badly and messily (much of the mess down to me) -but 18 months later we are both in a better place than we were. It's a pity we aren't in touch, but maybe it's for the best right now. We really were very different people, on reflection.

I don't feel the same about ExFriend. I feel bitterly angry still that she was an integral figure in the fucking up of two relationships - one of them deliberately and coolly - and that she sails through it all (like a lipstick-wearing warship with pitifully small torpedoes) without so much as a moment of real regret, reflection or insight. I don't actively wish her harm (I'm not a murderer, torturer or the like- I don't even know any... really...) but I passively wish her an uncomfortable conscience. And piles. Or maybe warts. Anal warts. I used to think we were very similar people, but we are worlds apart, thankfully.

On a far more positive note, Theo and I are taking some time out to revisit York in a couple of weeks time. The lure of cheap cocktails, excellent cakes and medieval streets has proven too hard to resist. We'll be staying in a B&B that "specialises" in breakfasts, oddly enough. It also specialises in beds - both beds and breakfasts are hand crafted and locally sourced, apparently. - In addition, weather and sofa delivery (!) permitting, we are also going to visit one of her favourite places in Scotland this weekend and picnic on the sand (so there's a clue - either its a bunker in a golf course, or it's coastal).

One thing I do know - work, stress, crazy ex stuff, pisspoor health and all, Theo makes me happy and that's the stuff that really matters, whatever the weather.

3 comments:

louche said...

erk.

good luck with deciding what to do on the job front.

Rebecca Taunton said...

You paint quite a gloomy picture of your work place. I have to say, the only redeeming thing my work has is the view from the windows. Good luck on your decision, I bet a break away would do wonders.

RT

byker said...

I think you're brill cos you link to xkcd :)