Birthday

Today would have been my mother's 65th birthday.

She retired at 60, at the earliest possible opportunity, having planned a range of pleasures in which she would indulge once she had the free time. She loathed her work almost as much as I loathe mine - similarly, it was not the work itself she disliked but the incompetent, mindless managers, the penny-pinching petty bureaucracy and the rise and rise of "efficiency and rationalisation" over standards of good service and positive relationships with clients/customers. (She worked as the manager of a local branch library and was renowned for setting "memorable" passwords for the computer system: "w@nker bo55es" being a particular favourite....) Unlike most, she made her displeasure well known - and she was good at her job and popular with customers, so the w@nkers couldn't do a damn thing about it...

Not all were pleasures, as such - she was fierce when it came to the idea of "social justice" - but I'll list a few of her plans, so you can get an idea of how she envisaged her retirement:

  • Get involved in a "Pensioners Rights" group, so she could get some very rude chanting going.
  • Return to doing some voluntary work for the Citizen's Advice Bureaux.
  • Rejoin the Labour Party - so she could tear up her membership card and quit... again. (Previously she had quit the party over the dropping of Clause 4 from the party's constitution... There are a million and one other things she would have wanted to quit over since then.)
  • Go to Unison conferences as a retired member and spend much of the time in the hotel jacuzzi flirting with other retired -or indeed not so retired-members (there was precedent for this - and indeed a fuchsia pink and diamanté swimsuit just for the purpose).
  • Continue her work with the local Bookstart charity (she used to get furiously angry when people said they had "never read a book" and believed that you should start kids young to give them the best chance) She wasn't much into "charity" -unless you count charity shops- but books for kids was the exception.
  • Travel more. She had been to France a couple of times, but really had her eye on the shopping opportunities in NYC . She quite fancied New Zealand, Australia, a tour of Europe... pretty much anywhere except the Norfolk Broads, which she hated with a profound and abiding passion.
  • Eat more cake - cake was a passion, as were steamed puddings and custard (she was a connoisseur of custard and, considering she had no sense of smell had a surprisingly sensitive palate...)
  • Watch more film - the local independent cinema offered pensioners matinée tickets for a quid. Always with a keen eye for a bargain, she planned every other Wednesday afternoon to be spent watching "arthouse" cinema, even if she didn't actually like it.
  • Buy more shoes.
My mother started to get ill a few months into her retirement, but put-off going to the doctor because it didn't fit in with her plans. Eventually it became too much: she was scanned before Christmas and by her 61st birthday she had been diagnosed with cancer of the pancreas: prognosis - terminal. She died four months later. Ironically, towards the end one of the very few meals she could eat was custard, so at least she could fulfil one of her plans, albeit with no pleasure whatsoever.

Now, I'll admit that I get a bit "low" around this time of year, but one positive thing of which my mother's birthday serves to remind me is that tomorrow is never guaranteed; plans can never be certain; today is all that counts. So I make an account of all the things I like in my life and all the things I want to change and I try my hardest to either enjoy them more or change them - and to not put things off until it is convenient, but to start doing something now. Both my sister and myself have already changed our lives for the better, learning from this experience and neither of us "plan" retirement: it just might never happen. It isn't easy, but it is necessary.

In addition -and on a somewhat lighter note- out of respect for the memory of a woman with a passion for patisserie, I resolve today to eat a cake. I would be honoured if you would join me...

Slainte!

Politics, whales and dyspepsia: a weekend


So, Liberal Democrat Member of Parliament Mark Oaten enjoys the company of men "Brokeback Mountain" style...

So what?

I'm completely unconcerned with whether or not Mr Oaten enjoys the pleasures of rimming, watersports, fisting - whatever- with young chaps/constituents of the pay-per-hour variety. (although I am deeply amused that he backs "Trade Justice". Oh, how unfortunate...) I'm not even particularly bothered that he's a "married father of two." Tough luck, wifey - you marry a career politician, you should expect a certain amount of deceit, and hey, the kids will love their dad, whatever (after all, Cordelia Gummer got fed spinal cord in a bap and she hasn't hacked her father to pieces yet, has she? Has she?).

No, my main concern is the sheer stupid arrogance of a man who pays for sex with men, hypocritically condemns someone else for being caught in a similarly compromising position and still stands for the rather high-profile job of being leader of his national party, fully expecting his "little secret" to remain hidden.

Now that sort of arrogance shows a degree of delusion that really is beyond the pale. He paid men for sex and expected them to keep quiet about it, knowing that the tabloid press would be waving bundles of used notes at anyone who might just have the faintest hint of scandal...
What was he expecting?I mean, really?

Oh yes, and the whale died. Somehow I had a feeling it might: it was being lined up for a guest appearance on Celebrity Big Brother and it died of shame...

(As for my dodgy tum: much better thanks. I might brave some soup later. I'll spare you any further details, but let's just say all is "quieter")

Laurel Hester Update: VICTORY! LAUREL WINS!

The Big Gay Picture || Laurel Hester Update: VICTORY! LAUREL WINS!

About bloody time.

*plink plink fizz*

Feeling much better, thanks.

..even if I will be eating nothing more challenging than porridge for a day or two.

-and isn't "Armitage Shanks" strange sounding ?

*goes back to drinking peppermint tea*

Seeing an old friend...

Or to be more precise, a former meal.

Oh dear.

Last night Mrs Gripes and I succumbed to laziness and had a takeaway from one of Edinburgh's many fast food outlets- for the first time in pretty much a year.

Initially all seemed well... Delicious, even.

Today, about 24 hours later, all seems less than well.

I have a concrete mixer for a stomach and as for the rest of my alimentary canal... Well, let's just leave it at, "unquiet".

Bleurgh. Lovely start to the weekend...

Quick off the mark...


LEWIS PR - WHALE WATCH

Earlier today a whale is spotted doing the tourist thing in the Thames (probably didn't fancy the London Eye much and thought the Natural History Museum a bit macabre) and within minutes, some smart-alec hasn't just blogged it, but has set up an entire blog about it.

Now, I could be cynical here and point out that it has been set up by a Public Relations firm, ergo it's a bit of self-reflexive PR puff... but the other part of me - the marshmallowy-still-believes-in-truth-peace-and-happiness-yadda-yadda-yadda piece of me- is marvelling at how flexible, reactive and accommodating the blog world is-

-and of course wondering where the whale keeps his (wait for it....) Oystercard!

*harpoons self to save further embarrassment*

++UPDATE++

-Whale has now decided to return to the sea: obviously had bought a cheap-day return and needs to make the return journey before rush hour...



Good Fake, Bad Fake

ceci n'est pas un ecrivain

AlterNet: MediaCulture: Good Fake, Bad Fake

I'm not usually much of a direct-linker, but I particularly enjoyed this. No fakin'...

*nods*

Me Me Meme...


Oh cobblers. I got tagged. I'm ambivalent towards memes, to be honest (and possibly too polite to ever decline a tag...) -they seem so samey... Or maybe that's just because I have such a limited range of answers... *shrug*. Anyhow... This would appear to be a "four things" meme. Bear with me...Oh, you might learn something. Probably that I'm a curmudgeon (and now very late for work. Damn!)

Four jobs you've had in your life: Market trader, Theatre in Education "performer", dramaturg, Photo-processing gimp

Four movies you could watch over and over: Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, Naked, Some Like It Hot, Best In Show

Four places you've lived: Norwich, Leamington Spa, Stratford on Avon, Leicester

Four TV shows you love to watch: EastEnders, News 24, (I'm struggling now...TV just doesn't do it for me anymore...) BBC Dramas/Serials... er....Black Books (back in the day....)

Four places you've been on vacation: Hopton Holimarine (near Gt Yarmouth: I was five! I had no choice!) NYC, Amsterdam (and I didn't so much as touch a spliff), the Isle of Wight

Four websites you visit daily: BBC News, PopBitch!, work e-mail portal (yawn) The Guardian online

Four of your favorite foods: organic carrots, bitter black chocolate, toasted marzipan, ripe brie

Four places you'd rather be: I'm happy here, thanks. It's a World Heritage Site with stunning architecture, a coastline, a parliament, the biggest cultural festival in Europe- maybe the world- every year....Fer gawd's sake, what more could I want?

Four albums you can't live without: There's no one single album or even four albums, that I couldn't live without. There are artists that I enjoy (Ani DiFranco, Kate Rusby, Kirsty MacColl, Billy Bragg) but no particular albums...

Four to pass this meme along to:
Heh. Ok...

Random, Sassie, WWDD and 30something...

Nyahhhhh! (and/or anyone else that fancies it...) Now, go play...

*shudder*

eye'oles, ear'oles and arse'oles...no, that's rissolesOh. And is it just me that finds something very frightening indeed about the fact that Lidl are selling "Special Burns' Night Haggis" for 44p?

I know what goes into haggis, I even like haggis, but the thought of what goes into a 44p haggis scares me...

(Jamie Oliver has a lot to answer for...)

Buy Buy Baby, Baby Buy Buy....

evil! evil! They make me spend money!
(-by the eBay City Rollers, of course... *groan* S'OK - you may throw things at the screen for that one; perfectly permissible...)

eBay should have its own wing at the The Priory or the Betty Ford or something; it is both addictive and destructive. You think I exaggerate? Oh, let me tell you stories....

A (fairly long) while ago, I first dipped my toe into the sharky waters of eBay in order to buy a handy-dandy pair of noise-cancelling earphones. I researched them, I even went to a real music shop to try them out (they were asking over £100 for a pair though, and I wasn't prepared to pay quite that much) and then I tracked them down on eBay - for half the price, even including shipping from the US: a deal was born. I was very happy. My ears were happy, certainly. (Of course, if I'd waited a couple of months I could have bought a similar pair for half the price I shelled out, but I wanted them NOW - eBay eased the deal and made me think I was getting a bargain. Clever eBay.)

Not so long ago I was looking for a signed box-set of books. Having water-skiied around the 'Bay a few times, I was confident that I would get a bargain there - and so I was fairly taken aback when I saw that the books I wanted had price tags of £60-£70 ...£60?!! Fucking hell? What were they printed on? Vellum produced from the bellies of baby guinea pigs? Even so, I contemplated it... I even prepared a bid, using a cunning "sniper" eBay tool. Lucky for me I did...

I'd forgotten the golden rule of eBay: research your item first. A very quick search on Amazon revealed that - bloody hell - I could buy the exact item for half the price on eBay. But people were paying £70? I was confused. Confused but not stupid, I cancelled my snipe/bid before it was actually placed and waved my plastic in the direction of the other e-tail megalith. Chastened, I decided that maybe I should lay-off the eBay habit for a bit.

And then I saw a total anorak collector's item. A signed piece of publishing ephemera, never actually released to general retailers. My Gollum-like heart gave a little jump of joy. "Oh my preciousssssss. I'll haves you. Yesss..." Forgetting my promise to myself to give eBay a break I lined-up my snipe. I hovered over my "watch" list. I waited...

Disaster! Someone had placed a bid. Someone I actually knew had placed a bid. Someone who I knew wanted it at least as much as me had placed a bid. Bugger.

For a good ten minutes I held an internal debate on issues of morality surrounding Bay:
  • people are out there to make money;
  • money has no morality;
  • an auction is open to the highest bidder;
  • I could easily place the highest bid;
  • eBay is the free market in its purest sense;
  • I have as much right as anyone else to make the highest bid;
  • I want it, I have the means to buy it, ergo I can buy it
  • .... But it's a friend who wants it!;
  • could I look the aforementioned friend in the eye knowing that I had sneakily outbid them?;
  • does friendship have a monetary value?;
  • if yes, what price and does this bid come close to it?;
  • if no, how could I admit to having snatched something from them?;
  • would it be the equivalent of stealing?;
  • would I steal from a friend?...

Yes. Quite.

So, I removed my sniping bid. There'll be other items - friends can't be bought and sold, however.

*wail*

Firef**ed



I am sort-of a fan of Mozilla's Firefox browser: I like its tabbed browsing, its handy extensions, its cute furry logo ... er....

I am not so big a fan of how its Firefoxy gremlins manage to lose all your saved extensions data should, for completely-hypothetical-oh-yes example, your laptop become unplugged and lose power unexpectedly, crashing your machine and thus your open browser....

*wail*

Now some of my handy tools (for cookie handling, log-ins and the like) have disappeared and I can't get them back!

Worse still, I can't actually remember some of my passwords.... (which shouldn't come as any surprise: I can't remember my mobile phone number either)

Which makes me wonder: are people's memories worsening these days, seeing as we have a plethora of technology to "do it for us" or is it just me showing the first signs of vCJD? *sigh*

(-back to the guesswork for me... Gah...)

OK, OK... I'll stop this relentless gloom...

See my vest, see my vestmade from real gorilla chest...



That Pete Burns is to be potentially jailed for possessing a gorilla fur coat has been tickling at the lurking corner of my mind that deals with useless information (which, to be fair, is the biggest bit of it...)

Then it came to me, while I was scrubbing at my pearly-whites and wondering why my skin was looking so yellow...

*tada*

(as Bart says, it's catchy! - Catchier than You Spin Me Right Round Baby , anyway...)

And if that doesn't leave you with some horrid songs playing in your Internal JukeBox, then nothing will!

* evil cackle*

Meh...

I thought I'd avoided the "first day back at work blues" really well...

I'd prepared as much as I could (and for one particular class, their lessons are now planned-out until the edge of doom...) I thought positive thoughts, I adopted a wryly amused persona, put my head down and charged through the day. I chatted amiably with colleagues - even gave some advice about a shared class. Normal.

I survived.

Then I got home.

By about 8:30 I was agitated and distracted. By 10:30 I was in a foetal position on the bed, snivelling. By half past midnight I was in full "lock me in a cellar and feed me with pins" mode, feeling bleak, useless, overwhelmed...

Mrs Gripes did and said all the right things (bless) - we even had a one o' clock in the morning camomile tea-party- and I did eventually get to sleep, although the dreams I had were far from restful, filled as they were with images of my incompetence and panic, peppered with memories of all my failures, disappointments and vacillations and populated with the sneering, accusing faces of everyone who has ever told me I'm worthless, everyone who's ever trodden on me, made me feel like shit...

This morning, as the sun rises and spreads its thin, cold light through the clouds, I am feeling pretty hopeless. I know I will get through the days/weeks/months (- & I've got a lot of work to get through, what with one thing and another) - and I'll suppress the feeling pathetic, stupid and feeble as much as I can- but right now, getting dressed, slapping on a fake smile and facing a class is about the last thing I want to do.

So much for avoiding the "back to work" blues...

There's always room for one more soul down in the Human Zoo*

oook
* from "Wishing the Days Away" Billy Bragg, on Talking With The Taxman About Poetry

Sometimes it's the small things -the accidental things- that make you stop and think. It could be the glimpse of a headline on a newspaper, a certain colour of sky, a perfume of someone half-remembered as you walk through a crowd, a passing word or phrase, anything.

During a civilized afternoon of drinking delicious liquids and indulging in idle yet meaningful chatter, Fuzzy made the comment that I saw my relationship with Mrs Gripes as being like some sort of welcomed "cage"- and at the time I think I probably nodded, sipped my Thé Saint Géran and- being me- changed the subject.

But it has troubled me; caught me full square in my soft underbelly and winded me; made me close in on myself and wonder several things: is she right and -regardless- is it a cage protecting the world from me, or me from the world?

(I'll wilfully ignore the question of accuracy for now- perception is never reliable, after all- but the implications of being caged in some way have stuck in my mind like a burr in the pelt of a thick-furred beast.)

-If the latter, how fragile and damaged must I seem that I need to hide behind someone else, how mealy-mouthed and timorous, how cowardly? If the former, what hazard could I present, what force or storm could I stir up, what appetites could I need sated?

-Worse still, if she is right (and I'm not sure a metaphorical cage is something I want to live in) what does it say about me that I choose to live encaged? How long can I survive in captivity? What would I be if let loose?

Celebrity Big Brother?



Generally speaking, reality TV shows drift past me; I watch the occasional five or ten minutes here or there (to keep up with my students, if nothing else) but apart from that I tend to like my entertainment scripted, performed by professionals an/or crafted by cinematographers. I'm funny like that.

Celebrity Big Brother is my weak spot, however. It's not just that I am suckered into the "cult of celebrity" (although I probably am - even though I stopped reading Heat magazine years ago I regularly find myself hanging around the PopBitch! site like a mackerel around a sewage pipe, hoovering scandal) it's the scary combinations of famous folk-often renowned for vast egos- scrabbling around to resurrect/start a career, fighting to seem the most... something (cool, mad, reasonable, versatile, normal, employable...etc) it's fascinating.

This series of CBB however is unnerving. Taking the Barrymore issue out of the equation, it seems an odder than usual barrel-scraping of housemates: a tall, cross-dressing sportman and his ex-Baywatch ex, some minor musicians, someone famous for shagging famous people, someone famous for having been in a documentary once and then getting her norks out, an actress who peaked thirty years ago, an acid-tongued one-hit-wonder cosmetic surgery addict, a narcissistic MP and an "ordinary" lass, having to pass herself off as a minor-musician/one-hit-wonder. The whiff of desperation emanating from some of these people can almost be tasted through the TV screen.

But you can't take Barrymore out of the equation. Whatever you think of him, whatever you think has gone on, whatever take you have on his life, he remains a figure who is as infamous as famous - and who the producers must be counting on to bring some kind of dangerous notoriety to the show, maybe even to break down in front of millions. This makes me very uneasy.

- I'm not sure I want to be part of such a vicious intended manipulation. I'm not sure I can watch...(-and I'm fairly sure that's not what the producers are hoping for).

*spingle*


Rather than actually prepare for the the return of my classes *shudder*(I have been putting it off and putting it off... and now I have a sack of essays to mark, three different courses requiring the creation of fresh schemes of work... and I've just discovered a rotten-to-the-point-of-melting banana in my work bag - I'd been blaming the rank smell on one of Mrs Gripes' cats. Oops) I have been tinkering with my blog template.

Look at it. Horrible, isn't it. Barely a *spingle* in sight. And as for that calendar over there... What does it do? I know it's January - but will it tell me any more than that? Nope... *sigh*

Makes my blood run... well, not cold exactly, more tepid -which is probably as it should be... But at least it works. Well, sort of...
Doubtless I'll fiddle with it some more sometime. * deep sigh*

*deeper sigh*

Everyone else seems to be making all these profound statements about self improvement and introspection and all I can do is fiddle about with the window dressing. (Which probably says as much about me as it needs to, come to think about it...) I'm sure 2006 will bring about some major changes in me and and my little world - but I'll be buggered blue with a bargepole if I'm going to pre-empt them: I'll change as and when necessary, not because a calendar tells me I should. The blog needed fiddling with (no tittering at the back there...) so I fiddled. Should my life require the same, I shall do likewise.

If it seems uncharacteristically bullish of me to swerve at the chance of some sanctioned introspection, I would point out that it does fit rather well as part of my scarcely suppressed truculent iconoclast nature. So *blows raspberry*.

(-Less grouchily - any suggestions as to how I could gussy-up this blog template still further, please don't hesitate to get in touch. I'm all, er... eyes.*shakes head* Oh, darn my head today - it just ain't workin' right, I tells ya...)

If things have already gone pear-shaped, resolution-wise....

good doggy
... remember, you have 28 more days until Chinese New Year (so you can re-resolve then, should you feel the need...)

Happy etc... blah blah blah...

In Case of Emergencies...

www.samaritans.org.uk
Honestly, I'm fine.

(I've got my own Christmas grumbles but, much like the Christmas turkey, they'll stew and stew and be served up ad infinitum at a later date...)

But not everyone has problems that can be talked over with friends, family, partners....
Sometimes you just don't want to bother them, even if you do. Sometimes things are just desperate - and the period between Christmas and New Year can seem bleakest of all.

So, The Samaritans really can help. Even if it's just a friendly voice. Even if you don't think anyone can help.

I know.

A few Christmases ago, they helped me...

Gripes' Christmas Message

One of my favourite paintings at the National Gallery of Scotland.

The Wicked Fairy at the Manger (by U.A. Fanthorpe)


My gift for the child:

No wife, kids, home;
No money sense. Unemployable.
Friends, yes. But the wrong sort –
The workshy, women, wogs,
Petty infringers of the law, persons
With notifiable diseases,
Poll tax collectors, tarts;
The bottom rung.
His end?
I think we’ll make it
Public, prolonged, painful.

Right, said the baby. That was roughly
What we had in mind.



Chez Gripes this year, Christmas is a secondary event. Far more important than this mere quasi-religious consumerist trifle is my sister’s birthday. This year she is coming to Edinburgh (yay!) and we are going en famille to the zoo. [In case you were wondering she has no kids and will be 44 this year. She is, however, a hard-core Primary teacher…thus the zoo trip, I suspect.] I wanna see the polar bear! Is it still green I wonder…?

Before this, of course, we have to get through Christmas. Blah blah, gifts, blah blah, food, blah blah, bloody awful episodes of Eastenders… And before we even get to that, we have to grit our teeth and visit She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named: Mrs Gripes’ Maw.

As “the lodger”™ -of almost seven years standing- I am met with quizzical looks and a degree of circumspection whenever I visit Mrs Gripes’ Maw. She saves her venom for her daughter. Sneers, swipes, and passive-aggressive snipes (along with gleeful tellings of the most recent deaths) are delivered and endured for the duration of the visit. The journey home is always fast- and the air in the car is always filled with Mrs Gripes making the air as blue as that from the exhaust of a M8 Motorvator Coach: ho ho ho-ly living fucking Christ on a bike, that woman is a cu.… (Oh you get the picture…)

And even before we get to enjoy the festivity of Mrs Gripes’ Maw, we have The Christmas Shop: Tesco Super-Duper Megalithic Warehouse of Everything Ever (except that one thing you need…), a list and an army of frustrated, sharp-elbowed shoppers, desperate for the last bag of sprouts (or else their entire identity and Christmas happiness will be but nothing- nothing -and life shall have no meaning and darkness shall descend upon the world…) to be followed by drinks with the Stupidest Neighbour in the World Ever! Could my life get any better?

Actually, I’m looking forward to it.

So -happy, merry, safe, loving Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Yule, Saturnalia, Tirupavai, Tohji-Taisai, Festivus …Christmas even, whatever - and (unless I cannot resist the urge to blog meaningless drivel over the next week/fortnight) I shall return to full Gripey glory in the New Year.

Love to you all! (has someone drugged me? Have I succumbed to Christmas cheer? Oh lawks a lordy…Nurse! More tinsel!)

Sleeping with me...


Last night, in my snot-filled insomniac way, I was thinking about all the women I have ever slept with. Not just the (poor) women with whom I have pawed, nibbled and frotted (although I was thinking about that too... *sigh* So few, so very few…comparatively) but those with whom I have simply shared a bed while making zzzzeds... Most of them were very accommodating; a few kicked me out of bed within and hour. And rightly so.

I have come to the terrible conclusion: I am a horrible person to sleep with.

Firstly, I can’t stand being cramped: I cling to the side of the bed like a mountaineer clings to the side of a cliff if I feel my space is being invaded. This is fine, but if you sleep with a cuddler –and most people I have shared sheets with have been cuddling types- it seems a little stand-offish to say the least. Should you invade my space still further and make me risk tumbling to the floor, my response is an assertive shove, some profound whining and if all else fails, to get up moaning, waking my sleeping partner and thus ensuring grumpiness all round...

Secondly, I am hot. Not in a "phwaor, you are irresistible" sort of way (*listens for voices of demurral and is deafened by the silence*) but in a "-Are you ill? Do you have a fever? Jesus, you’re on fire you sweaty bastard!" sort of way. This means that I quite often kick off the bedcovers (ensuring that sleeping partner gets a quick draught to the kidneys at best, a light bruise at worst) huff and puff, noisily... and worse: feel tacky and damp with sweat. After a particularly burny spell, I have been known to have to change the sheets several mornings in a row, they’ve been that damp... This is an all year round phenomenon, worsened when I am ill or drunk, noontheless... Alas.

I also have an ability to sleep with my eyes open, a sleep-talking/shouting habit and very vivid dreams/nightmares that often wake me up - the knock-on effect of which is to waken the neighbourhood… All this on top of the persistent bouts and battles with insomnia. An awake me is a mobile me and that just isn’t easy to sleep next to

Mrs Gripes grinds her teeth, snores and has devil claw toenails. Otherwise, she’s fine... It’s a miracle we even share a house, let alone a bed...

That aside, today will probably be the last blogging effort from me for a while. Apparently, it’s Christmas. Who knew?

(Christmassy blog-effort to follow. Oh you lucky people...)

The year is nearly Donne...



A NOCTURNAL UPON ST. LUCY'S DAY,BEING THE SHORTEST DAY
by John Donne


‘Tis the year's midnight, and it is the day's,
Lucy's, who scarce seven hours herself unmasks ;
The sun is spent, and now his flasks
Send forth light squibs, no constant rays ;
The world's whole sap is sunk ;
The general balm th' hydroptic earth hath drunk,
Whither, as to the bed's-feet, life is shrunk,
Dead and interr'd ; yet all these seem to laugh,
Compared with me, who am their epitaph.


Study me then, you who shall lovers be
At the next world, that is, at the next spring ;
For I am every dead thing,
In whom Love wrought new alchemy.
For his art did express
A quintessence even from nothingness,
From dull privations, and lean emptiness ;
He ruin'd me, and I am re-begot
Of absence, darkness, death—things which are not.


All others, from all things, draw all that's good,
Life, soul, form, spirit, whence they being have ;
I, by Love's limbec, am the grave
Of all, that's nothing. Oft a flood
Have we two wept, and so
Drown'd the whole world, us two ; oft did we grow,
To be two chaoses, when we did show
Care to aught else ; and often absences
Withdrew our souls, and made us carcasses.

But I am by her death—which word wrongs her—
Of the first nothing the elixir grown ;
Were I a man, that I were one
I needs must know ; I should prefer,
If I were any beast,
Some ends, some means ; yea plants, yea stones detest,
And love ; all, all some properties invest.
If I an ordinary nothing were,
As shadow, a light, and body must be here.

But I am none ; nor will my sun renew.
You lovers, for whose sake the lesser sun
At this time to the Goat is run
To fetch new lust, and give it you,
Enjoy your summer all,
Since she enjoys her long night's festival.
Let me prepare towards her, and let me call
This hour her vigil, and her eve, since this
Both the year's and the day's deep midnight is.



[Sod Christmas for a moment and indulge me: this is one of my favourite poems -and one only gets a chance to really feel it once a year… ]

"...you can stick your ' ology, Beattie"


I am on holiday.
I am still in my PJs, unwashed and barely breakfasted.
I am watching pish on TV, thinking about maybe - just maybe- switching it off and listening to some music or reading a book instead.Nibbling on a couple of satsumas... A nice relaxing bath, maybe...Indulging in a soapy fantasy of being lathered-up dexterously by a firm-handed...*drifts off*

I have been interrupted by work-folk phoning and asking me for completely daft information about nothing in particular five times already this morning! FIVE TIMES!
-Things they could have asked me last week, the week before... Even things they could ask me in three weeks time: it's not that urgent, folks! It's education, not brain surgery...

PISS OFF! LEAVE ME ALONE! I AM ON HOLIDAY! (I want to say...)

Naturally, I don't.

Information duly supplied, I can't quite get myself back into restful fantasy mode again. So much for holidays...

BAH bah humbug.

I Want to Vanish...

Fade out again...
I Want to Vanish (Written: Elvis Costello)

I want to vanish
This is my fondest wish
To go where I cannot be captured
Laid on a decorated dish
Even in splendour this curious fate
Is more than I care to surrender
Now it's too late

Whether in wonder or indecent haste
You arrange the mirrors and the spools
To snare the rare and precious jewels
That were only made of paste

If you should stumble upon my last remark
I'm crying in the wilderness
I'm trying my best to make it dark
How can I tell you I'm rarer than most
I'm certain as a lost dog
Pondering a sign post

I want to vanish
This is my fondest wish
To go where I cannot be captured
Laid on a decorated dish
Even in splendour this curious fate
Is more than I care to surrender
Now it's too late

I want to vanish
This is my last request
I've given you the awful truth
Now give me my rest


(For a RealPlayer audio clip of June Tabor singing this, click here )

I do. I really do… Cause?

One more teaching day to go.
A weekend spent bickering with Mrs Gripes.
Bloody Christmas looming.
Realising that I have thrown out several hundred quids worth of videos/teaching materials.
The beginnings of my annual festive cold/laryngitis.
Homesickness (for a home that never existed)

Bah humbug.

"-But... But.. didn't Phidippides* die?"

What do you mean Paula Radcliffe would have shit a kidney to get here faster?
*Europe’s “The Final Countdown” plays in the background*

Two more days of teaching to go.
Two.
More.
Days.

*sigh*

Seems like a marathon… And a long marathon at that.

Yesterday a couple of my colleagues went into such a vituperative rant that even I was silenced momentarily (and I can be histrionically vicious with the best of them). The most amusing part was hearing the plans they had for the dismembered head of Managerzilla. Usually they show a tad more professionalism *cough* Well, OK, not much more professionalism, but they are usually more covert. The venting stopped briefly when Managerzilla walked past – but continued as soon as she was barely out of earshot. Oh, happy times… Christmas spirit and all that.

Anyhow. Like I said, two more teaching days.

Most office based folk have no comprehension of the sheer scale of knackerdom teaching at the arse-end of term creates and so I receive scant sympathy from my nearest and dearest (although my lovely sis shares my pain as she has a herd of excitable first year of primary school kiddiwinks under her charge. *shudder*) My students switched off some time last week and those that do still turn up have that loathful look in their eyes, as if to say , “Do we have to?...” or even “Can’t you just die?…” It makes the teaching bit require that little bit more effort and I am sucking the dregs from the bottom of the tank as it is (-which may well bugger my carburettor, should this metaphor be taken to its conclusion…) My response to their apathy has been to warn of impending exams and glower. Veiled threats are traditional, I believe. Ho-ho-ho…

Two more days to go.

*sigh*


(* Phidippides... just in case you weren't sure )

"Dream a little dream of me..."



I’m starting to think my subconscious doesn’t like me.

Last night I dreamt I was Carol Thatcher’s secret lover.*shudder*
To be fair, she was very nice to me; took me out to fancy restaurants, booked us into bijou hotels, never mentioned her mother… And she was strangely vulnerable and insecure in private (insecurities which I naturally tried to assuage…) -But… But… Carol Thatcher?!
Aw, c’mon subconscious! Can’t you do better than that? Please?

My dream life is often a very troubled affair. Apart from the mundane re-workings of daily life (-all day I’m at work, then all night I dream about it. How very restful…) and the usual panic/insecurity dreams, I have periods where I have very lucid, very realistic, very odd dreams.

Other dreams have included clubbing Charlotte Church to oblivion with her own artificial leg; spending all night up to my chin in a pond of mud, waiting for “the king of the frogs”; eating a mandolin to music as a cabaret artiste; working as a stripper, but never taking off more than my duffel coat and, recurrently, that the wallpaper is trying to send me messages - but I can’t quite figure out what it’s saying until I rip it off the wall and it dies. Er… Yes.

I’m not sure analysis is helpful at this point. Strong sedation maybe, but analysis? No…
But if anyone has any suggestions as to how I could have more pleasurable or even restful dreams, I’m all ears.*




*I’m rather hoping that that particular image won’t trigger a horribly literal dream, but if it does, you’ll be the first to hear about it, medication permitting.

What a Dumbo...


I did a foolish thing today.

While drying myself after a shower I took a long look at myself in the mirror. (I've lost almost six stones this year - at least I fit in the mirror these days...)

Oh dear.

My arse now resembles that of a somewhat hard-living elephant, albeit slightly less grey.

Bum...

Whip Crack Away...

I'm a rhyming slang for what?! Jeez willikins...

Hmm. Well, I survived.

Actually, I was so well prepared I think I surprised her, and thus defused her ire somewhat (nothing more irritating than someone actually having reasonable answers to every accusation you can level, is there?)I even got to throw in a few barbed comments of my own.

The downside however is that I was have been so worked-up and adrenaline fuelled that last night I barely slept (and when I did, I was troubled by some very unsettling dreams...)which means that today I am... jumpy.

-I still reckon I've got it coming to me at some point, so I'll take heed of the words of Ani DiFranco, "smile pretty and watch your back"...

*smiles*

"Do not forsake me , oh my darlin'...."

I don't want to hurt you...
*tips hat*
My evil line-manager has called a meeting for today - with all the high heid-yins and me - and as yet she has not disclosed the full agenda.

I've been receiving clippy e-mails for days, sniping at minor procedural things I (in common with the rest of the staff, I might add) have overlooked -and worse, heard about other swipes and stabs secondhand from people who seemed to think I deserved a "heads up" that Managerzilla was on the rampage...

As far as I am aware, I have done nothing wrong. Nothing worth a full meeting, anyway. Nothing really worth an e-mail, truth to tell...

So why does it feel as though I am facing a shoot-out?
*polishes guns*




* Should I not survive, tell Mrs Gripes I love her - and bury me with my boots on...

Love Resurrection

On all fours for me Jodie, you slaaaag...
Jodie Foster was easily my first proper crush. Whether it was from seeing her first in"Freaky Friday" or "Bugsy Malone" I can't remember, but Jodie has been tattooed on my lesbian heart for years. She was even, in a roundabout way, my excuse for liking the works of Stephen Sondheim (althoughI don't advocate attempted assassination as a means of attracting the attentions of anyone, frankly... )

Growing sophisticated and blasé over the years, I had dismissed my crush on Ms Foster as being little more than a dykey "rite of passage" - much like the listening to kd lang CDs/playing pool/pretending to find Rhona Cameron funny. Oh, how wrong I was...

I've just seen Flightplan (or Panic Room in the sky, as I prefer to think of it...) and my lust for the dimunitive Oscar-polisher has been thoroughly rekindled: all that athletic searching, relentless singlemindedness and close-ups of wriggling through confined spaces has made me come over all peculiar... She even wears a graze beautifully... Where was I? Oh yes...

The film itself is OK, albeit so utterly contrived that the suspension of disbelief is nigh on impossible in parts ( & Sean Bean pretending to be "posh" is particularly funny!) but Jodie? *quiver* oh, she's something else - and thoroughly wasted in such tosh. I really do wish she'd make better movies (and get her kit off in them, naturally) *sigh*

I'm now fearful that my other teenage crushes might be re-awakened: I'm not sure I'm ready to lust over the memory of Lindsay Wagner -well, not without building up some stamina first: she was bionic, after all...

Work is the Devil


I am probably about three nosebleeds away from quitting my job, I feel that stressed. This week I’ve been in tears on at least three occasions just thinking about having to make the journey to work. I can’t sleep, I can barely crack a smile. Mrs Gripes has a semi-constant look of consternation. (I’ve been getting the shakes when talking about my work… not a good sign). Things are grim at Gripes Mansions.

Part of my job involves working with a group of “vulnerable” students, many of whom have issues that touch a little too closely on those that I have had to deal with myself. This has created more than a few problems for me, making me rake over my own past, sift through the wreckage and salvage something positive from it all (and the positive that has been salvaged? – at least it’s all in the past. Oh, marvellous…)

Another part of my job involves working with people who are “learning resistant”. Joyous, I’m sure you’ll agree. I get very little support in this – the college approach to teaching and learning is probably the least “teamly” I’ve ever encountered- and yet am expected to “meet team targets” – if I’d ever been told what they were, I might be able to comply, but communication isn’t an institutional strength.

And then there’s my line manager. The woman is without a doubt the most devious bully I have ever met. She is a mean spirited, petty, mendacious, vicious, gossiping harridan (and those are good points…) currently she has set her vitriolic sights on me. Everyone gets a turn; it is my misfortune to be the current quarry. Her favoured modus operandi is to be very selective about the passing-on of vital information – then disproportionately crowing and reprimanding in turn when things go wrong. This week she changed both the staffing and timetabling of an event less than half an hour before it was due to happen. Naturally, things went wrong. Apparently, that things didn’t go smoothly is my fault…

On top of the usual pains and displeasures of teaching (and of being at the bottom of the food chain when it comes to decision making…) this has all served to make me feel lower than a slug’s slidy bits. Like I said, I am seriously thinking of quitting – or at least of looking for a very different job.

Any offers?

A little bit of politics (or another reason why Mrs Gripes and myself will be registering a Civil Partnership)


It isn't often that I get overtly queer-political, or feel in any way proud to be British. This is one of those occasions, however: by the passing of a law recognising gay relationships as "Civil Partnerships" the following is a situation that from 21st December this year should not happen in the UK. (-Not saying it won't happen: money protects money, and I have a suspicion that non- registered gay couples may well face similar legal issues...)

To put pressure on the "Freeholders" of Ocean County to reverse their decision, I have emailed them expressing my disappointment at their injustice. Feel free to do the same if you feel similarly.

Below is a direct "steal" from this article to give you some context (news is only archived on the ukgaynews.org.uk servers for 7 days).


Dane Wells is a retired police officer who worked with Lt. Laurel Hester, the gay police officer in Ocean County, New Jersey, who has been denied “domestic partner benefits” for her long-term same-sex partner Stacie Andree. Lt. Hester is terminally ill with lung cancer.


For nearly half a century now, I have been proud to call myself an Ocean County native.

Among the many highlights of my life have been the years I spent in law enforcement with the Ocean County Prosecutor’s Office, where I worked alongside Lt. Laurel Hester.

I have also enjoyed the good fortune of experiencing this grand American experiment of ours from myriad angles.

I have served as an elected official, as an appointed official in various capacities, as an employee of government, and, in perhaps the most important role of all, as citizen and voter.

From those varied perspectives, I have observed thousands upon thousands of government employees.

I have yet to encounter another public servant more devoted, more dedicated, more loyal or more hard-working than Laurel Hester.

To this very day, I see news headlines that would not exist but for her untiring efforts over two decades ago.

Laurel entered law enforcement at a time when female officers faced an even steeper uphill climb than they do today.

She brought to the profession a refreshing array of qualities it was lacking in those days; things like tenacity and compassion and incredible efficiency.

Whether we like to admit it or not, there are differences between men and women and Laurel brought to police work countless qualities that I believe only a woman could.

As a result, I saw a heck of a lot of men in a male-dominated profession feeling threatened by all those things Laurel was introducing.

But I also watched in utter amazement as she slowly but surely gained the trust and confidence of the strapping 250-pound state troopers and the oftentimes holier-than-thou federal agents.

And all of a sudden there it was before my very eyes: a woman cop being accepted by her male colleagues.

I was witness to Laurel Hester making history.

I saw a pioneer among women in police work always working twice as hard for half the credit.

And then I saw her taking her half of that credit and giving it away to a man in the interest of cultivating the harmony and respect always in her wake.

In Laurel, I was seeing then the evolution of social progress, much as we are all seeing the very same thing swirling around her today.

I will take to my grave the vivid memories of the times Laurel and I spent working on cases together.

The frigid January nights in the back of a frost-encrusted surveillance van struggling with frozen fingers to focus a seemingly endless telephoto lens on the images of shadowy figures engaged in some sort of shenanigans under the cover of darkness.

And we took some lumps together wrestling to the ground our share of drug dealers in the relentless heat of an August afternoon or two on the sandy beaches of Seaside Heights.

We sledgehammered the doors of fortress-like drug dens with nothing more that wooden night sticks and 1940s-era revolvers.

Reasonable salaries and overtime were just a dream.

No cop in the world could ever ask for better backup than that provided by Laurel Hester.

While she may seem to us today a frail and fragile figure, let me tell you she could mete out “necessary force” with the best of them.

And, not surprisingly, I don’t recall anyone ever checking on the gender of her partner when needing her help.

Personally, I never knew the answer to that question and didn’t care.

Now I know.

I still don’t care.

Of course not everyone agrees on things like religion and government.

Indeed, that's what America is all about.

That said, I think anyone is hard pressed today in claiming our Board of Freeholders does not provide us with pretty good government year after year.

At the very least, it's an opinion that's rather well quantified at the polls on a regular basis.

But I have just seen something go horribly awry.

I have seen justice denied to someone who spent her life ensuring justice for the rest of us.

I have seen my government turn its back on a loyal servant.

I have seen a human being skewered – apparently on religious grounds – and I just can’t for the life of me understand how any god being worshiped by anyone in this county could possibly approve of this.

Laurel Hester’s last request is not about politics, religion, or economics.

It’s not about the “sanctity of marriage” or any of the other things we've been hearing about.

But it is about morality.

It is about human dignity.

It is about at least some minimal amount of goodness many of us want so desperately to find in the essence of human existence.

It is about a base level of decency we expect to be inherent in 21st-century America.

Like a growing number of people these days, I’m not finding a whole lot I can respect about modern politicians, especially in New Jersey.

But one quality I will always greatly admire in any person – politician or otherwise – is the ability to recognize a mistake, admit it, fix it, and move on.

We all make them, but sometimes it takes the more towering among us to admit it.

I respectfully suggest the time has come for us to admit this hiccup in the progress of Ocean County’s longstanding progressive government; rise above money, politics, and personal religious beliefs; and unite as good and decent human beings to cradle Lt. Laurel Hester in the collective arms of the compassionate and civilized society we call Ocean County.


■ Representations to the Freeholders of Ocean County can be made to the Clerk of the Board at (732) 288 7777 or, from outside the USA +1 732 288 7777. The email address is CountyConnection@co.ocean.nj.us

A&E not TLC


(Not a pic of me...I have my own teeth, thank you)

So, I dragged my sorry self to A&E.

After initial assessment, I waited for four hours on my own (Mrs Gripes would have come, but she had to attend some vitally important meeting: you know, the kind that if you don't attend, the world will fall off its axis or something...)

I came to the conclusion that games lessons at school are hazardous - a significant number of fellowA&E-dwellers were still mudded and kitted from whatever healthy team sport with which they had wrecked themselves.

I also concluded that old women really know how to dress for cold weather- several old dears were wrapped in so many layers I wondered if they were wearing their entire winter wardrobe in one- however it has the disadvantage of making them immobile and thus they become even more prone to helpless falling.

I realised that I never want to experience a heart attack, stroke or other extreme trauma. (A bit of a no-brainer, I realise - but nonetheless...)

I reaffirmed my opinion that generally, Scottish people are polite and patient.

I waited.

Eventually, I was ushered into a cubicle, had lights shone in my ears and eyes, was prodded about the face and neck, was left alone some more, then escorted to the X-ray department where I was nuked (and prodded a bit more) returned to my cubicle and left to wait a bit longer.

I waited.

I continued to wait.

A doctor and a brood of students came with my x-ray: finally, I was diagnosed.

I have unusually small ethmoid and frontal sinuses. (I'm not sure I like the term "unusually small": it sounds freakish). When blocked- and they will become blocked more easily due to their freakish narrowness- they become very inflamed and this can affect the optic canal (which accounts for the dizziness and concomitant nausea). Anti-inflammatories might help, steroids could be a short term solution, nasal decongestants could worsen the condition so avoid them, surgery could be an option if it continues: go home, take these pills, come back if you pass out...

Once more, I wasn't made to feel a fool for "wasting" the doctor's time, but I feel bad that I had to take up time that could have been spent treating someone else. Our approach to medical care is drifting more and more towards the US system, where emergency medicine is being used for routine illnesses because people can't access general practitioners. In the US the barrier is money, in the UK it's staffing levels, over-subscribed patient lists and inflexible surgery hours.

I am feeling better physically - the little green capsules are doing a grand job- but I am now far more worried about the health of our health service than I have been in a long time...

Entering the realm of the unwell





I have had a headache, nausea and dizziness for over five days. Lucky me.

I feel as though my eyeballs are being pressed out of their sockets by a great pressure behind my eyes, swirling waves of nausea wash over me at inopportune moments and every now and then I lose track of where my body is in relation to the space around me: accordingly, I have a tendency to waiver and wobble, even when sitting still. Hours of fun, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Teaching while feeling this shitty has not exactly been a laugh and a half- my concentration is shot to pieces and yesterday I forgot what I was saying in the middle of explaining the tortured and tortuous uses of the semi-colon. I’m not sure my students noticed: I’d lost them at “good morning.”

Reluctantly, I’ve had to admit defeat and call in sick: if I can’t stand up (or even sit down) and talk without feeling as though I am going to vomit, I’m not really going to be much cop at informing and inspiring others.

I am also a little concerned- headaches aren’t supposed to last this long, this one had a double-barrelled gusher of a nosebleed as a precursor, I’m getting pins and needles in my hands and it isn’t being dulled particularly by over-the-counter analgesics. I woke up at three this morning in tears due to the pain in my head and so Mrs Gripes persuaded a very reluctant me to contact the local doctor’s surgery (I always think that I am wasting the doctor’s time, even if I’m in unfathomable agony) and so just after eight this morning I phoned to get an appointment.

The soonest appointment I could get? Next Thursday. The “emergency” appointments had already been filled by three minutes past eight. All two of them.

I hate to knock the NHS. I believe in the NHS. I believe in universal medical care, free at the point of delivery and that I should pay a fair rate of tax to pay for it. I even defend the NHS to others, pointing out the huge merits in the system –it’s just that I would like to be able to access it when I need to, without it being in response to a crisis. The NHS is – and will always be – underfunded (and most General Practices are the poor relations of the entire medical system) but underfunding alone can’t explain why the average schmo in the street can’t get to see a doctor without scheduling their illness at least a week to a fortnight in advance. Something is desperately wrong with the system and it needs more than money to fix it: it needs to be managed by people who understand that illness cannot be planned.

I’m convincing myself that I feel better. I still feel sick, dizzy and with a constant pain behind my eyes, but I’m telling myself that I am better because the NHS won’t allow me to still be ill. With any luck, I actually will feel better soon: I just wonder if I might feel better sooner if I received any medical attention - but I guess I won’t get to find out.

"Do you want the bad news, or the irrelevant news...?"

Get well soon, fuzzychops...or else I'll be fored to do something with this daff..
Poor Fuzzy: if anyone has noticed that her blog has gone suspiciously quiet, it's because she's in hospital. Nothing trivial, I can assure you. My brow is furrowed with concern as I write this - I love the wee bugger to bits (I would even offer a kidney, should one be required) and hate the thought of her having to stay at the Sawbones Hotel, not entirely knowing what they are going to do to her - but I managed to overcome my fear of hospitals and visit her. I think she was pleased-ish to see me (although I'm not the visitor she'd have wanted, ideally... ) and that if nothing else I managed to entertain her for a while. I hope she didn't notice my twitching and constant checking for an exit. I'll save relating any details as the prerogative of the poorly one herself. I'm sure that they'll be vivid.

On reflection, I don't have a fear of hospitals so much as a total blind panic, the cause of which has a long and detailed pathology, but let's just say that when my early experiences of hospitals include breaking the drainage bag from where my father had had surgery and having icky blood "stuff" soaking my new shoes and splashed up my pristine white ankle socks, visiting my dying grandfather and witnessing the quiet death of the old bloke in the bed next to him- tugging on my mother's trousers to tell her what I saw, only to be dismissed as "making it up", which was reluctantly retracted when a clot of nurses gathered around his bed, swished the curtains shut and muttered, " -shit, I was supposed to check 'im 'alf an hour ago" and then as a pitifully self-conscious teen spending ten hours on a trolley in a hospital corridor wearing my somewhat unflattering P.E. kit, my knee swollen to the size of a spacehopper, hallucinating with pain and surreally watching the mayhem explode as some drunken brawlers lurched, spewed and sprayed gore around the A&E. I could go on, but it could easily bring on a panic attack and I'm working later.

Anyhow, apart from worrying about Fuzzy's hospital sojourn, I have been working 15-16 hour days getting some project work completed (I think Mrs Gripes still recognises me...) which has left no time for anything remotely resembling a life, let alone a blog. Which means that my blog anniversary slipped past without me really noticing.

Looking back, I think I had very different intentions when starting blogging. Now I'm not sure if I have any intentions at all. I am also aware that I am "self-editing" more than I thought I would. There are times when I want to express something completely different, but I bite my lip (so to speak) wary that what I say might actually affect "real" people -or worse. If I am to continue blogging, then I need to have a serious rethink about how I express myself - should I be brutally open and frank, or should I continue to self-moderate? Can you be too honest? Are there other facets of myself that I should/could explore bloggily?

If I continue to blog, I suppose I'll sort all that out. For now, I'll just worry about real stuff.

Get better NOW, Fuzzy: you're needed back in the blogosphere and the real world...

Comfort

clicky for bigger

I am having a strong urge for comfort eating. The kind my mother excelled in (no emotional problem to large or small that couldn't be lulled with a steamed sponge pudding or something greasy and sweet drowning in custard ) -the kind that I just can't eat any more.

I 've always used food as a buffer between myself and the world and I'm not sure it is a habit that I will ever break. That, culturally, we use food as both a celebration and a comfort (think Christmas dinner, think funerals...) and are seen as odd if we refuse the biscuit from the shared staffroom tin or dolefully deny ourselves dessert at social events, just adds to the confusion of the recovering fudge-doughnut addict.

So maybe I'll make do with licking the squares of the screen above in a coolly scientific combination of flavours. (Or maybe I'll cruise the aisles of M&S, drooling over the sticky toffee puddings until I get physically removed by the security guards....) Either way, today I feel like cramming my face with something bosomly comforting, tooth-achingly sweet, warm, syrupy and cinnamon scented.

Wanting


The Lofty Sky

Today I want the sky,
The tops of the high hills,
Above the last man's house ,
His hedges, and his cows,
Where, if I will, I look
Down even on sheep and rook,
And of all things that move
See buzzards only above:
Past all trees, past furze
And thorn, where naught deters
The desire of the eye
For sky, nothing but sky.
I sicken of the woods
And all the multitudes
Of hedge-trees.
They are no more
Than weeds upon this floor
Of the river of air
Leagues deep, leagues wide,
Where I am like a fish that lives
In weeds and mud and gives
What's above him no thought.
I might be a tench for aught
That I can do to-day
Down on the wealden clay.
Even the tench has days
When he floats up and plays
Among the lily leaves
And sees the sky, or grieves
Not if he nothing sees:
While I, I know that trees
Under that lofty sky
Are weeds, fields mud, and I
Would arise and go far
To where the lilies are.

[Edward Thomas is a much overlooked poet: often marginalized from collections of war poetry and not fully “pastoral” enough to fit into the georgic revival mould, he is difficult to categorise. His poems seems pastoral and simple on a first reading, but are often imbued with a strangely melancholic tone- something stemming from his own battles with depression. He also wrote about "otherness" and was fascinated by the symbolism of doppelgangers, particularly how they could represent a duality in human nature. He died in Flanders in 1917. I often think of the works of Thomas around Armistice Day – more so than I think of Sassoon or Owen - he seems to capture the sense of loss far more precisely than many other poets, I find. Needless to say, when I studied Thomas at school, I couldn’t stand his work: far too “gentle” - I preferred the pretentious rantings of Eliot or the out and out miserableness of Sylvia Plath. What can I say? I was a teenager… Ho hum.
This particular poem is a fair précis of my mood. Not literally, of course- although I feel that the sky is growing heavier and lower by the day, that the buildings are bleeding greyness into the streets, that this damp greyness is being absorbed into my very bones, that I am rotting like leaves heaped by the roadside, that I am darkly slipping into winter with only the vague memory of spring and the hope of spring to come keeping me from being washed away, that I am drowning in gulps of grizzled air, that I need to see something beautiful, something open wide and clear before I lose all hope and myself – but it does capture at least something of the mood that I feel. And then there are Thomas’s symbolic woods… You can read a lot into those, I assure you.
There seem to be a lot of people weighed down by “something” - right now, chipper blogging seems to be the exception rather than the rule- and I am part of that fashion. I know that like all seasons, all moods, all fashions, it will pass - but when? I am forcing myself to wear pink and grin like an automaton in a vague hope that it will trigger the real “happy” outlook. Failing that, I may have to be an early adoptee of the fashion for tinsel. Actually, I may just stay miserable: far less irritating.]



Just plain "Balls to the HMI"

I have been thoroughly inspected. Twice. (-luckily neither the lesson in which we were discussing the impossibility of imagining Celine Dion at orgasm- I shudder at the thought now, just recollecting the conversation and ensuing impersonations- nor the one in which we were all sharing "embarrassing moments I have known/caused" and I tripped over my own feet and broke a reasonably expensive piece of equipment, thus adding to my [long] list of shame... but a fairly "worthy" effort which looked as though it had "learning objectives" clearly communicated and fitted in to the main scheme- and was deathly, deathly dull to teach...) In addition, my marking has been looked over, my record-keeping sniffed at and some of my students grilled about me... and no, they are not allowed to tell me what they said, I am not allowed to ask, and the only feedback I can get is in the written report, seeing as my line manager declined the verbal debriefing on my behalf. Bastard.

The jury is out to consider its verdict.
Ho hum...

Am I feeling happy, confident and that "quality" has been assured? Am I bumgravy...


Gizza job.
Go on. Gizzit.
Whatever you do, I could do that ...

*head butts screen*

(From) Balls to the HMI

Well, OK. I’ll do something “up” (and “shut up” will fit the bill nicely…) -I’m just not feeling bloggy at the moment, and rather than save you the torture, I’ll keep it brief. But before I go and glower in a corner somewhere…

Saturday allowed me the pleasure of gracing the Lothian Gay and Lesbian Switchboard Gay Ball with my presence - this year the ball took the theme of a Highland Fling –with both a disco and ceilidh, but alas, no tea-dance- and much tartan tat wearing totty of all genders was beheld. Special mention must go to the howlingly drunk, pigeon-chested young chap in a stained vest and “home made” kilt (which to my eyes looked pretty much like a  netball skirt with a tartan tea-towel tacked onto it), the tartan bondage trousered lesbian who couldn’t find which pocket in which she had placed her cash  -something the queuing masses behind her at the bar took with gracious good humour and to the countless multitude who, on seeing  Craig Hill swirling his sporran on the dance floor mouthed silently to their friends, “...isn’t he tiny!”

I am always touched by seeing people dancing with their partners at the ceilidh  - somehow there is something strangely moving about seeing people with their chosen partners, dancing the old dances and “owning “ their culture: the half-remembered dances, gleefully stumbled through; the joyous grins of lovers as they follow the steps of their ancestors; the wide-eyed innocence of it all, as people hold each other close and burl around to the fiddler’s tunes-  it shouldn’t be surprising, or even unusual, but it is.. Must be getting soft in my old age…

Oh yes. Down to earth with a bump.  Today the HMI arrive at the college. A rising sense of panic has gripped the staff  -  vast quantities of paper has been dumped and shredded, classrooms have had the “Changing Rooms” treatment, lesson plans and teaching schedules have been fabricated, students- and staff- “warned” to be on their best behaviour. This burying of bad practice and short-term approach to crisis management reminds me of a squirrel I saw in the Botanic Gardens , burying a discarded cheesy Wotsit – the poor bugger is going to be very disappointed when he comes to digging it up, I fear…

My major contribution to the inspection process has been to buy a new pair of boots…
I figure if the inspection goes badly, I’ll be “let go” and will therefore need new shoes for any interviews.

I think I’ll go back to glowering in my corner now…



Blah, blah, bloody blah.

I’ve just read my previous couple of posts and “blah blah blah” is all that I hear: I think I’ve just bored myself into a stupor, so heaven knows what I’m doing to you…

Yes, you.

So, my unknown and unknowable blogmates, tell me a little about yourselves. At risk of becoming a comment whore, unburden your souls and reveal your darkest secrets.

Failing that, just say hello and/ or tell me to buck my ideas up, pull my socks up and cheer up (or anything else that ends in “up”).

I’m waiting…

The inner critic's bigger, uglier sister

(Cue the Tom Jones music) It’s not unusual. (Actually, switch that bloody racket off and stop doing that pelvis thing and licking your lips, it irks, me. Thank you.) It’s not even uncommon. You see, I have more than a just a vocal inner critic- I also have a self-destructive streak. This is not the same as being suicidal, or physically hazardous, although I suppose they are related and occasionally they do overlap -but it is destructive.

In the past my self-destructive streak has been expressed in many and several stupid ways – the joys of competitive drinking and drug-taking (yes, I was that idiotic: “How quickly can you smoke a quarter of hash?” “ Err, hold on dude - I used to be able to remember. What did you ask me?…” “How quickly can you down a half bottle of scotch?” “You paying? Well, how quickly can you get me to A&E and I’ll show you?” etc., etc. ...) I shake my head, raise my eyebrows, pour another cup of camomile tea and then pour scorn on my ridiculous self-abasing past. Tut tut.

Of course, tales of the 3.a.m prowl around Stratford on Avon clutching a bottle of tequila, wearing nothing more than a vest, a pair of boxer shorts, a scarf, cowboy boots and a fedora, singing “Jerusalem”- then waking up slumped underneath the statue of Billy S himself by a couple of tourists taking my picture- does make for a picaresque anecdote. As does the midsummer dawn barbecue – where the contents of a flatmate’s room were emptied and lightly chargrilled (singed rather than destroyed, as if that makes a difference: if it had been done at the Whitechapel Gallery I dare say I’d have been up for the Turner Prize that year, of course…) until said flatmate admitted that yes, indeed, he had pissed on the sofa. Should it matter to you, the item that he couldn’t stand to be burned was neither his teddy bear, nor the picture of his mother, but his really not very special shoes…and no, neither he nor anyone else thought to stop me. Even the story of “taking a shortcut” through someone else’s house -scurrying through their garden, creeping through their back door, pausing behind their sofa (where I spied their still steaming cup of tea and was tempted by their plain chocolate rich tea biscuit) then charging full tilt out of their front door before stopping to tie my shoelace and nonchalantly continuing down the street- makes for a jolly tale. And these stories might even be amusing if they weren’t true. But they are, and I am both lazily impressed with the chutzpah I once showed and cringe with embarrassment at the mindless stupidity of it – I could have ended up dead, beaten up or arrested for pretty much any/all of them and where would I be now if that had happened?

So, these days my self-destructive, risk-taking urges are far less dramatic –and thankfully far less frequent - and yet they are no less harmful. I could go into detail, but I won’t: to be honest, it doesn’t make a good anecdote (examples are available on request for the terminally curious). Needless to say, much like with the inner critic, I have a strong suspicion this self-destructive streak will not fully go away. Damn.

"I've been hearing voices..."

I am feeling most unsettled. I’ve been thinking too much about what I should be doing, rather than actually doing it ( -it’s the story of my life, really) and I have been out and out aggressive and unpleasant while trying very hard to suppress my inner critic.[Apologies to all that have encountered it: the urbanely cynical, mild me will return shortly. I hope.]

Unfortunately, I am possessed of a very loud, very vocal, inner critic, whose life’s work thus far has been to cause me to hesitate, to delay and to procrastinate. The positive side of this unquiet voice is that I question myself a lot: why am I doing this? -why do I think this? –what does this mean to me? –how did I come to this? The negative side is that I question myself a lot… (You can see the elliptical orbit that particular ellipsis suggests, can’t you?)

Anyhow, bludgeoning my inner critic into brief submission (the violence was alas entirely necessary: and me a lapsed pacifist, too. Tsk tsk.…) I did something recently that I haven’t done in a long while: I wrote a short story. I’m not entirely happy with it – both the inner and the conscious critic are stroking their chins and preparing a considered response- but I am happy with the fact that I managed to focus, concentrate and concertedly imagine for the first time in years.

A lot of “proper” writers talk about “finding a voice” for a character -something of which I used to be a little wary, seeing as it made writing sound like a mystical, mythical activity that relied on some external force acting on a writer rather than something which could be generated from inside one’s own mind: as someone who rarely finds what they are looking for, even on a practical level (I lost a book of poetry somewhere a few months ago, I couldn’t find it anywhere and it is still annoying the bejasus out of me…) it sounded too much like chance - now I think I am beginning to understand a little better what they mean. Curiously, I’ve been able to stifle my inner critic sufficiently to write occasional poems, but for them the persona doesn’t need to be sustained or as coherent for quite as long as in a short story and therefore for me it’s easier, in some ways, to write poetry, but that’s by the by…

My inner critic has been drowning out those “voices” for far too long -the phrasings, imaginings and personae that can be used to convey a range of feeling and thoughts – or rather, I’ve been telling myself “I can’t…” before I’ve even tried and I have been furious at myself for having so much crippling self doubt: in part this has been vented in my interactions with others ( or in other words, I’ve been a grumpy cow) or merely suppressed into a tight ball of angst. Now I’ve started writing again, I’m eager to experiment, to see how many other voices I can use to tell a story, how many other characters I can give life to. It could be many, it could be none: it could be that the inner critic was right all along and I really shouldn’t write, but sod it – I’m going to do it anyway.

Of course, stifling the bloody inner critic thus far has only applied to writing one short, short story: it’ll be another stand-up, bare-knuckle fight, I fear, to shut it up over snipes at my career, my ambitions, my choice of politics, shoes, friends, bread rolls… – or in other words everything else. Oh well. No-one ever said it should be easy, did they?

Unspoken


On the blank page of our kingsize bed
we lie together, waiting for words,
like open speech marks.

Alone, I am an apostrophe;
a sign of something missing,
something taken away.

A shyness that is criminally vulgar...

Things

There are worse things than having behaved foolishly in public.
There are worse things than these miniature betrayals,
committed or endured or suspected; there are worse things
than not being able to sleep for thinking about them.
It is 5 a.m. All the worse things come stalking in
and stand icily about the bed looking worse and worse
and worse.

From Selected Poems (Oxford University Press)
copyright Fleur Adcock (New Zealand, Britain)


Well, quite.

On Saturday I went to the theatre (it sounds unremarkable enough, doesn’t it? Let me explain further). On Saturday, Mrs Gripes and I went to a studio theatre production of an adaptation of Jackie Kay’s Trumpet at the Citizen’s Theatre in Glasgow. Mrs Gripes is not exactly a theatre person – we went just the once before, and left at the interval because she was huffing, puffing and wriggling so much – and me? I used to do theatre (dahling…) very badly indeed and I got fair scunnered wi’ it, I can tell you. For a few years now I have been giving almost everything containing actual live actors a wide berth and a deep scowl. I realise that this is probably anathema in a city that hosts the largest festival of arts and theatre pretty much anywhere in the world, but there you go... As you might guess, it would have to be something fairly special to get me to skip willingly towards the close, intimate, actorly space of a studio theatre dragging Mrs Gripes with me – and in Glasgow to boot.

And so it was. Trumpet is one of my favourite novels and I was intrigued to see how it could be adapted to the stage: multi-layered, sensitive, delicately written and filled with clearly distinct voices and big ideas about identity, gender, grief, I was not going to let my anti-theatre prejudice get the better of me. As for Mrs Gripes, well, she’d just have to sit still… Which she did (bless). Luckily, the production was good - and let’s face it, studio theatre is extraordinarily intimate: it would be difficult not to feel involved when you can feel the breath of the actors on your skin.

For me though, the real drama came once the production had finished, for there, standing next to Mrs Gripes and me at the bar is Jackie Kay… (I may have omitted to mention that Jackie Kay is a favourite writer of mine. I may also have omitted to mention that she is beautiful: small, uncontrovertibly womanly, stylish and with a confident, open, expressive face and lively eyes - and that for a long time I have lusted after her from the depths of my soul. Oh, I also may have omitted to mention this to Mrs Gripes: well, one does if one is to survive, I find …)

Generally speaking, when faced with strangers I can just about manage polite small talk (I’m shy, you see…No. Honestly!) When faced with someone attractive, talented and famous- and about whom I have entertained all manner of unmannerly thoughts- I can just about manage to breathe. Turning round and smiling (smiling!) Jackie Kay looks enquiringly to the oblivious Mrs Gripes, who makes some kind of comment about having travelled from Edinburgh to come here, as though that were in itself impressive (which for us it is, admittedly, but to the rest of the world? Probably not…) Slightly less smilingly, she looks at me - who by now is somewhat flushed, inwardly panicking and trying to formulate a sentence of some kind that doesn’t sound sycophantic and yet wittily conveys a deep love and respect for her work, maybe with a top-spin of flirtatiousness that is dripping with conversation possibilities – and I manage to squeak a bumbling, “’ello” with appropriately blank, glaikit expression. Cue Jackie Kay edging carefully away from the dull nutter to a place of safety, the far side of the bar (where she is joined by other writerly heroine Liz Lochhead.) Oh fuck.

Mrs Gripes by now is looking at me quizzically, wondering if perhaps I have choked on a cocktail cherry, or have been temporarily abducted by aliens. Only when we have reached the safety of the car, and the soggy Glasgow night air has managed to restore my blazing face to a slightly more healthy hue, can I tell her with whom she was passing the time of day and thus why I temporarily lost my tongue. Mrs Gripes sniffs dismissively, “Well, you could have said…”

If only, I thought. If only…

For this relief, much thanks...

Not a tumour! Not a tumour!(Although not a mere lipoma either, so I was right to check it out. Probably a cyst, maybe scar tissue. Keep an eye on it. Should be fine.*sigh*)
My relief is utter.
My bladder is happy.
Even Mrs Miggins’ didn’t threaten to stab me with a knitting needle for wasting the Doc’s time…

So what will I fret about next?

Internet Fuels Anxiety Shock!

Anxiety is a strange thing. Mine keeps me awake and keeps me constant company.  Sometimes it manifests itself in a myriad of displacement activities, other times I sit zombie-like and brood. Currently my anxiety is managing to do all of these at the same time. (Brooding zombie-like displacement is a fine trick to pull off, I can assure you…)

Earlier this week I found a small but strange lump in front of my bladder. Logical me considers that it is most likely some kind of subcutaneous infection and will disappear as mysteriously as it arrived. Anxious me is screaming, “Tumour! Tumour!” and trying very hard make me run screaming around the flat…

The internet is a dangerous thing: type in a few symptoms and you can get an encyclopaedia of ills that match how you feel. Tweak your search terms and you can be dead in a week. Ever since finding this previously uncharted flesh, I have discovered fresh symptoms: tiredness, non-cystitis urinatory urge, non-specific pelvic pain – all of which are making me insomniac with anxiety (and thus increasing the tiredness, of course…)

So, tomorrow I’m going to get prodded by the doctor. Doubtless I will be told it is nothing to worry about and I will get the sense that I have been wasting precious medical time that could have been spent on Mrs Miggins’ near fatal bunions. And then I will have something else to feel anxious about…

Just Larkin About...

Poetry Of Departures

Sometimes you hear, fifth-hand,
As epitaph:
He chucked up everything
And just cleared off,
And always the voice will sound
Certain you approve
This audacious, purifying,
Elemental move.

And they are right, I think.
We all hate home
And having to be there:
I detest my room,
It's specially-chosen junk,
The good books, the good bed,
And my life, in perfect order:
So to hear it said

He walked out on the whole crowd
Leaves me flushed and stirred,
Like Then she undid her dress
Or Take that you bastard;
Surely I can, if he did?
And that helps me to stay
Sober and industrious.
But I'd go today,

Yes, swagger the nut-strewn roads,
Crouch in the fo'c'sle
Stubbly with goodness, if
It weren't so artificial,
Such a deliberate step backwards
To create an object:
Books; china; a life
Reprehensibly perfect.

[Philip Larkin]

I think I’m starting to become Philip Larkin (only without the misogyny, casual racism or talent…) Oh god…